Posted in The Here and Now

Time Isn’t Real, But Happy New Year

I hadn’t anticipated making this post, but I was so overcome with nostalgia when just the other day I was standing in the same spot I had stood in to ring in 2015. I was wearing the same shoes. I was running on the same amount of sleep. It was the first time I had been back in that spot in just over 360 days and it the question immediately struck me: So, what has changed?

As much as I want to say I am a completely different person leaving this year as I was beginning, that’s simply not true. Honestly, what does it mean to change? Is that why we make resolutions every year? To try our hand at becoming different people? We can say we’ll work out every day or always tip +20% or never tell lies but it won’t improve us at our core.

Resolutions shouldn’t be about specific actions it should be about mindsets. They should be guidelines and mantras we set for ourselves as a viewpoint through which we make those decisions to do those actions on a case-by-case basis. That’s the only way we can ever say we’ve succeeded.

If your outlook hasn’t changed, you haven’t changed.

This year, challenge yourself to make resolutions based on what you want to achieve in life not just in 2016.

Posted in Poetry

Farewell & Good Luck

for the first time i am on the outside
i wish you success, but in the way
people say empty words
just so that you can feel the hollow
thud!

positivity was my key — but now
the key’s broken and the door has moved
and the house is not even mine.
what use is a virtue in a sea
of vice?

i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired
i didn’t ask for this i didn’t ask for this
i didn’t ask for this i didn’t ask for this
i’m
sorry….

Posted in Poetry

Abbot

i can only love when it isn’t real
when it’s unreciprocated and virtual
because i love the idea of love but not its reality

you see, i finally got clean
so i can’t just let you be my fix
to me, real love is only ever a bad hit

let me breeze in and out
let me dance around the conception of “us”
let me trample over your heart if it saves mine

it’s not you it’s me it’s really me
i can only love you as a concept
if that hurts then you can begin to imagine how i feel

kiss me through the phone
love me through the screens
don’t get too close or make it real
i’m not there yet and i don’t know if i ever will be

Posted in Poetry, Writing

I Threw Away High School Today

I did.

I went through 6 years, all hidden in shelves and drawers

boxes sneakily slid underneath the bed

notes pressed between alphabetised books

Honestly, I never really kept anything out in the open.

I threw away high school today. Everything

worksheets, tests, hall passes, translations, syllabi, cheat sheets, poems, letters, essays, post-its, binders, study guides, grade reports, rubrics

homework I never got around to turning in,

folders I doodled on like it would come to life and educate me itself,

pens that had burst and stained my jeans,

paper with ragged edges, notebooks with missing backs, and highlighters that did nothing more than draw neon-colored attention to the 6 years I spent in preparation for right now

I threw away high school today. And

I’d like to say I got rid of it all.

Well, everything except for the

late nights, early mornings, heartbreak, headaches, disappointment,

and the ever-constant feeling that I never achieved everything that I set out to achieve,

the jealousy that comes from comparing yourself to others.

I threw away high school today. I managed to hold on to

my best friend’s locker combination, to the quickest route from the 3rd floor to the dining hall, what the inside of detention looked like, the feeling after finishing my first ever orchestra performance, after-school conversations in the bathroom with people i would have never met if not by serendipitous chance

These are the things that don’t linger in scraps and college-ruled notebook paper.

In throwing away the things that I could, I made the conscious effort to live in today.

I threw away high school. Yes,

the last 6 years happened. Nothing will change that. And yes,

another 6 years will come by before I can ever try to stop it

But today is what matters the most

 

No, I don’t want to forget.

Trust me, all I want to do is remember

Just not today.